The Best Ships that Ever Set Sail.

Good morrow to ye, faithful follower!
This day, we shall be judging some of the greatest of all the fine, proud creatures which landlubbers call 'boats'. These mighty ships have explored the darkest corners of the map, or have won battles to let their names sail through time to reach us today. You may notice that hardly any of my heroes  come from the present day- for indeed, in this modern, business-like world the time for heroes is past. Well, here they are...


HMS Log
This is the Rotting Log. There is nothing interesting about her, other than the fact that she made us realise that it was possible to sail the ocean. Yes, she may not look like much, but here is one lady whom we can thank!






The Solar Bark

This boat was found in the Great Pyramid of Kheops; she was meant to bring the Pharaoh across the waters of the traitorous Duat, or underworld River, and into the afterlife. She is a copy of the boat which brought the god Ra against his mortal foe, Apophis.





The Humble Fishing Boat

This is thought to be the boat which carried Jesus across the Sea of Galilee. If this is true, then she's been through more than most of her kind- men walking on water and stopping storms and whatnot...







The Leifskip

She brought Leif Errikson, a Viking of the 11th century, all the way to America! Leif's brothers followed him there, and set up colonies that would last centuries. If only they'd lasted a little longer, they'd have given Columbus something to think about, hmm? This boat could seat around a hundred and twenty soldiers and half that amount of sailors- no cannon, sadly.




La Mora

Another mighty dame, this is the ship which brought William of Normandy to France. In Viking style, she was built with the peculiarity of being able to hold horses as well as men.






La Blanche-Nef

You've probably heard of her in history, though, if your teacher's English, he calls her the White Ship. This poor dear sunk in a storm, taking with her various Norman nobles, along with the son of Henry I. His death caused the period of civil warfare known as the Anarchy.






The Santa Maria           Nao (tradesman)

She's far from pretty, and not spectacularly powerful, but this girl here brought Christopher Columbus to America! Bloody big-head- he sets out, on his ugly ship, and he's told to discover India. Not only does he fail, but he gets credit for discovering America, when such countries as Norway and Japan had been trading there for years!
This ship has hardly any cannons, which is, I'm sure, understandable- and most of its space is taken up by provisions.


The Mary Rose              Unique
Poor dear! Five Hundred men! Ninety one cannons! She was so heavily armoured, it was just too much- after firing a single volley, the aftermath simply made her tip over.











The Golden Hind      unique, inspired by Spanish Gallions
Now we're talking! This is she who gave Sir Francis Drake victory against the Spanish Armada. She sports 22 guns- doesn't sound like much but it was more than enough for the type of Privateer work she was sent to do.








The Zheng He Chuan                         Julun

This is the ship of a Chinese Admiral of Ming (East China), who travelled as far as South Africa. An amazing work of architecture, she was Forty feet long, and intended to do the same sort of work as the Santa Maria. Sadly, the Emperor forbade Zheng He to carry his plans to fruition. Look at that small ship next to her-that's the Maria!




The Nihon Maru                  Okina Fune

This good lady was the flagship of the Japanese Shogun Toyotomi Hideyoshi. She is equipped with 500 soldiers and 60 matchlock cannons. Though she was built to impress foreigners, she was used in the Korea war of 1592, with impressive results.

HMS Victory         First Rate Ship-of-the-line

Well named indeed. This was the British flagship during the Battle of Trafalgar, though, contrary to popular belief, it wasn't Nelson's to command. While famous to the point of legend in England, its name is curiously never pronounced in France, and, true to my country, I shall continue to call it 'it'. IT would have been just about the biggest ship on earth, with a hundred and six guns and 850 sailors and soldiers, had the Santissima Trinidad not come to dethrone it.









Nuestra Señora de la Santissima Trinidad                   140-gun first rate

The biggest ship of the line that ever existed; 1085 sailors and soldiers, 140 guns... She was always the proud flagship and mascot of the Spanish fleet, and lived a great old life- she'd been active for almost thirty years before Trafalgar, and in that battle alone, she brought down eight ships and mortally wounded eleven. Respects, madam...








HMS Warrior                        Warrior-class Armoured Frigate

Aye, here she is, lads- the first ever steam boat deemed useful. This one never fought, but what makes her special is the humongous amount of armour and, of course, the steam. She seems to be poorly armed with only forty cannons, but each and every one is an Armstrong gun, or else a 68-pounder- the strongest ship of the age. A visiting Frenchman described her as a "Black Snake among Rabbits". Well, she inspired quite some awe...


SS. Great Britain

The first steam boat ever to be opened to public, she was designed by the great engineer I.K Brunel. The sails were rarely used, but when they were, she could be expected to reach speeds of 15 knots on her journeys to America. It was on this boat that the word "POSH" was invented; the higher classes wanted to stay South, where it was said to be warmer; so they stayed on "Port (left of the ship) Out, Starboard (right of the ship) Home. POSH.





                                                        iTech takes over                                                                                
SS. Great Eastern
When she was launched in the late 1850s she was the biggest ship ever.  She was one of Brunel's great works and yet she did not enjoy much success - on a test cruise one of the boilers blew up after someone decided that safety valves could be sealed off quite safely.  She was launched sideways, which was very unusual.  The ship was amazing yet had an unsuccessful career.  However one of her many claims to fame was to have laid the first transatlantic telegraph cable to last for any length of time.  .-/.-../.-..  ...-/./.-./-.--   --./---/---/-..

HMS Dreadnought (launched 1906)
HMS Dreadnought was the first of the Dreadnought class of warships and was revolutionary in both size and speed.   She was the first ship to use steam turbines and could steam at over 21 knots.  However the only action she saw was when she sank a submarine during WWI.

Yours, most cordially,

JAFHR

iTech

Cabin Pressure

There is no doubt whatsoever in my mind that Cabin Pressure, the BBC Radio 4 comedy written by John Finnemore is a simple, continuously uproarious masterpiece.  Now, you ask: what is it and why is it so good?

Well, the BBC themselves can describe it better than I, but in summary, it is the story of a budget charter airline which is run by a formidable 63 year-old who received her ancient Lockheed McDonnell 312 (a fictional jet) G-ERTI as part of a divorce settlement from her enormously rich husband.  It is expertly crewed around its somewhat eccentric range of trips by four almost devoted people one of which is herself, as manager and part time steward.  The usual steward is her idiotic yet entirely devoted 29 year old son, who still lives with her and who often finds the world in general rather baffling.  He is excellently portrayed by John Finnemore himself.  Then there is the captain, Martin Crieff, when not mistaken for one of the cleaners is delighted in his hobbey of being a commercial pilot: having failed his CPL several times, he was not accepted by most airlines and so eventually agreed to be not a first officer as one would usually start but a captain, with the caveat that he would be unpaid.  He gets by through running a "man with a van" service.  He is played by Benedict Cumberbatch, of Sherlock fame.  Finally there is (assuming he actually did bother to come to work at all today, that is) the first officer (copilot) Douglas Richardson, who considers himself to be very nearly omnipotent, and once says "God moves in strange ways, in order to do lovely things for Douglas Richardson."  He is resented by Martin in most ways, be it his height, his voice, his public-school education, his luck or his many years with "Air England" and is generally working some sort of a fiddle, having been sacked from Air England for smuggling.

I was pleased to hear that Cabin Pressure is to run for a fourth series in 2012 - let us hope it runs as long as that other classic British comedy "The Navy Lark" which is another favourite of mine having run from 1958 to 1977. 

I thoroughly recommend Cabin Pressure.  Enjoy it!

-iTech-

Cheap Classics (Part One - Introduction and Strategy)

Introduction

In this miniseries I'll be looking at some of the best video games that are now available for under £10. Please remember that this is my list and is in no way objective. Please leave any angry opinions in the comments section below. And if you're trying to persuade parents to buy them, they're all rated 12+ or below and are available on PC.

Supreme Commander: Forged Alliance (2007)

I'll cut to the chase here and say that this is really good. Really, really good. I'm not really sure where to start because there's so much to explain, but I'll start by saying what it is I like about it so much and I'll get onto the bad stuff later. Firstly, the  soundtrack is fitting (see my mini-series about video game soundtracks). I know that's an odd thing to start with, but this was really one of the things that made it a much better game for me, and I've been humming it ever since I first played the original. Okay, it might be a bit generic at times but it suits the game's epic scale and military sci-fi style.

Now what is probably the best thing. The scale. This game is epic in every sense of the word. The maps are massive (some take several minutes to cross even with the fastest units), there are at least forty units for each faction (although there are only three factions) and at the highest tech level you can build massive 'experimental' units (like the 'Fatboy' in the picture above). I chose the expansion Forged Alliance mainly because of its campaign and updated interface, both of which are a massive improvements on the previous game, where reviewers pointed out the weaknesses of both.

So what's wrong with it? It pains me to say it, but it is true that in creating a game with such an epic scale some details have been overlooked.  The multiplayer network GPG.net is great for downloading mods but makes it pretty difficult to actually set up a game online. Also, the AI is average at best. Sure it's challenging, but it can never pull off the crazy strategies that someone online is able to. The pathfinding is an improvement on the original, but it's still a little cumbersome and while I like the general aesthetic of the game, it's nothing new and some may find it a little too blocky.

If you want to buy this game, it's now on Steam for £9.99 (or £14.99 for the original as well) or order it on  Amazon for slightly less.

Rome: Total War (2003)

Widely accepted as one of the best strategy games of all time, it is my personal favorite of the entire Total War series because of its simplicity, realism and soul. Everything has been thought through and it is a definite improvement on Shogun and Medieval, unlike the modern games which are all a bit similar, not building enough on the previous games (I'm talking about Empire and Napoleon, Shogun II I haven't played).

I can't really think of anything bad about this game, except that I hated the expansions (although I must admit I barely played either of them, the just didn't grab my interest) and the fact that there is no naval combat. This was only introduced two games later, in Empire, when really this was the game that needed ship combat and in Empire it was far too late. Also, the multiplayer is somewhat limited. I don't know what I wanted from it, but I didn't get it.

The reason I love it is because it is so realistic, yet also so much fun. It combines turn-based and real-time strategy perfectly. If you want to just be a Roman general, then just play skirmishes all the time. If you want to conquer the world, then auto-resolve all of the battles. There's not much more I can say, sorry this has been so short. It's really cheap now to, so check it out on Steam or  Amazon, just avoid the expansions.


Age of Empires II: Age of Kings (1999)

While I haven't played it for a while, this remains the definitive real-time strategy (RTS) game because of its simplicity and its personality. As soon as you see the title screen, you'll realize that this is a properly heartfelt game. Before I get any further, I'd like to say that this is not realisitic in the same way as Rome: Total War or even Supreme Commander. Instead of expecting a historical game, expect an RTS that incorporates parts of history into it. This is perhaps what makes it so enjoyable. In the end, the game mechanics are simple, and I was constantly frustrated with the lack of strategic zoom that Supreme Commander made such great use of. But when you consider that this is a really old game, it's perfectly excusable.

I played this a lot when I was a lot younger (about six or seven years old) because it was so simple to understand. It did take me a while to work out what some more complicated things do (such as advancing an epoch), which severely limited my chances of winning any games. Despite this, I loved it and I think that it deserves some recognition, as new maps can always be made using the excellent map editor. If mythology  (I'm looking at you, JAFHR) or the colonization of America is more your cup of tea, then there are sequels that fill those niches, although in my opinion none were quite as good as the second game (the first is a little too dated).

It's now available on Amazon for about £10.

                                                                        -PWN-

P.S. Sorry, about the weird spacing. I think it's something to do with the picture, I'll try and fix it later.

The Perfect Translator

Greetings once more from JAFHR.
Today I shall help you, avid reader, to do your French homework. I shall put to test four major translators: Babel fish, Google Translator, SDL and Bing Microsoft translator. The test shall be conducted as follows:

• A famous and long extract shall be taken from Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens (If you must know, it is the passage leading to the "I want some more" incident, the link to which can be found below.) I chose this because it is very good and yet simple English vocabulary, yet modern enough to have obvious equivalents in other languages.
• Being French, I shall translate the extract into French myself, and then, to be sure I have not committed mistakes, I shall have my mother (a French author in her day) check my translation for errors.
• The aforementioned extract shall be copied and pasted into each of the mentioned Translators, and translated into French. I shall compare my translation to the outcome, and decide which is most trustworthy.

Google Translate

• First impression: Seems very simple, easy to use, interesting 'Highlight' idea.
• Total Languages Spoken: 64 (including two Chinese.)
• Translation into French: Very easy to understand, though sometimes words are skipped out. Mixes up syntax, but never fails to provide adequate wording. Mistakes are of the kind that I would expect a thirteen year old boy with a sound vocabulary to make. Easy to understand; teacher may be satisfied that no computer was involved. Translation took three seconds.

SDL Translator

• First Impression: Seems complicated, took a while to work out how to operate the languages- seems more a scholar's repertoire of knowledge than a schoolboy's homework-doer; possible to get passage translated by human within a week, however costs £0.07/Word.
• Total Languages Spoken: 34 (including 3 Spanish and 2 Portuguese)
• Translation into French: Not a bad syntax, which makes SDL understandable- however gender is often disastrous, eg. saying that the word 'women' is masculine. Mistakes are perhaps quite mature, passable as human mistakes.Translation took five seconds.

Babel Fish Translator

• First Impression: Quite simple, easy to use, though word limit may prove a problem if you are given a long essay to translate into French. Much of page occupied by advertising.
• Total Languages Spoken: 13(including 2 Chinese) though the Choice menu offers a curious way to fill up empty space.
• Translation into French: Not passable as human errors at all. Knows such fruity words as "alimentation", and "effectuer", yet fails to find meaning in the word "mealtimes". Here also, there is a problem in gender, as it says that women is a masculine singular word. Translation took ten seconds.

Bing Microsoft Translator

• First impression: Simple as Google Translator, easy to use.
• Total Languages Spoken: 37 (including two Chinese)
• Translation into French: Good syntax, and errors passable as human errors, though the 'women are masculine' argument still persists. Easy to understand; teacher may be satisfied that no computer was involved. Translation took four seconds.

In conclusion, I should say that Bing and Google are neck and neck. Google has the slight advantage of its Highlighting idea, which makes it easier to work with; however...

Warning!

None of these translators passed the test to a satisfactory level, so, unless your homework is drastically simple (no subjunctives, existentials and so on are involved) always refer to a human rather than a computer. I happen to be able to do your homework- at a reasonable price, of course.

Hoping this helps,

Your friend,

-JAFHR-

Television Review: Sherlock Season 2

WARNING: This review contains spoilers

Episode 1: A Scandal in Belgravia

I'm not trying to be the clever person here, so I'll admit that I prefer the new Sherlock series to many of the books. While it may not be fair to compare the two mediums, in my opinion the television program is wittier and more imaginative. That's not to say I didn't like the books, I loved them, but after a few years of popularity they slowly started to decrease in quality. Thank God I don't have to say the same thing about this show. I saw the first season back in 2011 on DVD and instantly loved it, spending hours watching it while I should have been doing homework, so it would have been almost as great a disappointment for this to be inadequate as if Batman Begins had been bad (I saw The Dark Knight first).


Irene Adler proved a suitable villain/antihero/love interest, although it threw Watson into the shadows somewhat. Fortunately he is often able to break up Sherlock and Irene with hilarious quips, making this the funniest Sherlock episode so far. There's not much more to say about it, except that it was amazing.

Episode 2: The Hounds of Baskerville

Reviews of this episode have been positive. Why? For goodness' sake, this was by far the worst Sherlock episode of the season, even the worst episode ever. That's right, I said it. What was Mark Gatiss thinking? Was he too busy acting Mycroft to write something decent? Quite possibly. More likely is that he used up all his good ideas on Doctor Who, but that doesn't make sense because Doctor Who is terrible too.

Anyway, maybe I'm being a little harsh on the episode. What exactly was wrong with it? Well it was just too slow, too obvious and not at all Sherlock-y. I generally turn off my brain while watching Sherlock, not because it's too simple, but because I would get so confused if I tried to work out what was going on that I would have to smash my TV screen. This time, however, even I figured out what the end was going to be halfway through. Mark wrote The Great Game (Episode 3 of Season 1) and that was brilliant, but the characterization of the minor villains was non-existent. Maybe this wasn't such a bad thing, but doing it in The Hounds of Baskerville doesn't work. I mean the villain must have had about five minutes of screen time, and his motivations were never explained. And the plot is not original. Firstly it was based very heavily on the book, and secondly, everything else is stolen from somewhere else. A Chemical weapons factory, a secret government project, a homicidal scientist in a gas mask, hallucinating worst fears...


Alright, I may be focusing on the bad stuff. I guess I did like the way it was shot, the acting was excellent (as usual) and the first twenty minutes lacked the problems of the rest of the episode. Also, the plot did allow for some expansion on the relationship between Holmes and Watson, but it wasn't quite funny enough. There were only two witty moments in the script. But I don't want to go back into that rant, so I'll just conclude. If I were to put a number (out of ten) on this it would a seven, which isn't bad, but the standard of writing is normally so much better I was thoroughly disappointed. It just felt like a typical detective show, not the best live-action television series I have ever seen.

Episode 3: The Reichenbach Fall

Good grief. It's good. It's very good. You liked the last finale, you'll love this. The rooftop scene, the graveyard scene, the heist scene... every scene was memorable. And the bit where (if you didn't read the earlier warning about spoilers, read it now) Moriarty shoots himself. I don't have to talk for long about this, because everything was almost perfect, I'll just do some nitpicking. My only real problem with the episode was that I never really believed that Sherlock might not be everything he said he was, and I also never really believed that he was dead (well... maybe for a second or two). I would have liked it if it had actually made these possibilities a bit more believable, but it was so packed with emotion that I didn't really mind. It's just a shame that that was it...


Fortunately the writers have said that 'hopefully before the year's out', Season 2 will air on BBC 1. That means I have something epic everything six months, with The Dark Knight Rises coming out in the summer. I can't wait to review that.

-PWN-